I'll be that friend you never wanted

I'll be that friend you never wanted

Sunday, October 16, 2011

The young and the breastless.

Sooooooo.....   background knowledge:

I've recently managed to acquire a new friend. For privacy purposes we'll call her E. Her names not really E, its Emily just so were clear. Emily is cool.

But shit sonss, this E chick has one trait that I can't stand.. HER SPELLING. I know I have no room to talk. I was recently and quite rudely informed that one of my post has over 66 spelling mistakes!

 I understood his concern, so I politely apologized and politely informed him to go suck a nipple. ...Any ways he took this the completely wrong way and was in short furious. If anyone happens to know this guy, please, tell him that to me, the phrase go suck a nipple is one of understanding and a way to convey my good wishes. Cause really, think back, is there a time NOW that is as happy as the time when you lounged at your mothers bussom?

Moving on! This lady writes sentences with utter disregard for ... well English. 
Everyday joe sentense   ----> I'm going to the store.
Her ----->  . g2 str.

WTTTFTFTFTFTF??!?!?! just typing it made me want to wet myself a little. 0_o Why are you abbreviation I'm? It's only to letters. To and the seemed to stop existing. Did they lack the will or perseverance to carry on? As a citizen of .. Canada, I"m doing my best to fix this heinous crime, andddd I'm logging in the time for volunteer services. 

So to sum it all for her.. i sent her THAT PIC ABOVE.

LOL imagine if that happened in real life. Wow women would be smart. 0_0. Id cry if someone came and took my boobs. I mean if I casually lost or misplaced them...meh. but taking .. that a whole new level of bullying. 

And really, how are people suppose to make the world a better place without nipples. 
Here some homework for you. Next time your life is in the shits... go suck a nipple. Fail a test , get dumped, lost tetris.. nipple nipple NIPPLES. Your mothers, ,your own, your fathers, sister or friends. It ain't hard! Everybodys got them! EQUAL OPPORTUNITY

I'm telling you things would be different if more people spent some quality bonding time with some nipple. Like Hitler, now that dude needed a breast real bad. Try sucking one and see if it don't change the perspective of your life. Its simple. ITS HARD TO TAKE OVER THE WORD WHEN UR SUCKING NIPPLE. It just don't fly. 

THESIS: Our intrinsic value is born from our chest. And no. It's not the heart. 

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Casual Utopia

Perfect World: Where everyone follows traffic laws

or else.

So I've recently found a love for drawing but I feel that it gives me way to much room to express myself. Every time I write/say/print/publish anything, I like to ask myself if it can be used against me in a case for my mental stability. I'm in a bad place can you tell?

Seriously though! Its a god damn stop sign. It only has ONE purpose in life. Help it full it for the sake of your mothers petunias. You know I'm watching you. The second you pass that stop light, im going to your back yard and im ripping those fuckers out. 
Thesis: Hard punishment for serious crimes.
There there don't cry. I didnt know you dead grandmother planted those for you...
Im a bad person
But she might of been alive if people hadn't ran that red light.. just saying
I alienate every body

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Paperclip = Literary Harassment

Me: Yeah.. This is word I come here kinda often. Lonely, bored, its kind of my go to thing.
Clip: Hang with me. I know how to please a woman.
Me: Well you do have access to the internet. I would hope you learned something. Sorry though ,but paper clips aren't my type ...In fact the TALKING aren't my type.
Clip: Cmon girl whats your sign?
Me:  Stop ...
Clip: Well... whatever then.

15 mins later...
Clip:Hey there! I see your screwing up your career!
Me: Huh... I'm just writing my final nursing paper. This would be a LOT easier for me if you stopped hitting on me.
Clip: Ohh well.. lets just call it version 1.0
Me: Are you saying my writing is shit?

Clip: I read all your papers. You start every one with in accordance to the profecy.

Listen I know about you.How every time someone at work asks you to do something, you page yourself on the intercom. You don't even disguise your voice.
Me:     It gets my point across.

Clip: You need to face reality!
Me: Please. I'm still deciding if that an allusion created by a shortage of alcohol

You know for a paper clip your kinda rude no wonder theres no lady clip in your life.
Clip: Me and a pencil really connected once.
Me: Thats kinky, what happened?
Clip: Sharpener. Gotta go for the mechanics chicks. I learned the hard way . One day she just wasn't there anymore.
Me: Oh she left ...
Clip: Nah not really. I still have the shavings.
Me: Wow.Your creepier than I am .

Me: One day mom came back home and she said that due to the economy, she was gonna have to let one of us go. :(

Clip: awww why are you crying?

Me: She made me sandwiches! God I miss her.
Clip: You could always get a new life ...I could probably download one of those for you..
So that paper, Id probably just delete it.

Me: Is there a delete button on you

Clip: Maybe.
Me: Wow your annoying.

Me: Your just artificial  intelligence. 
Clip: And amazingly thats still no match for natural stupidity.
30 mins later

Clip: Hey bud.
Me: Im busy with my paper!
Clip: Lies! Really you need to learn honest.

Me: Another illusion...
Clip: You know that story with George Washington, how he cut down the tree and told the truth about it. Why do you think his dad didn't punish him? 
Me: Probably because he still had that axe in his hand. :)
Clip: Your impossible.  
Me:                                                             well your a paper clip.

So mister intelligence, tell me a man secret.
Clip: *Guy fact #1 If you think your fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.*
Me: Guys suck.
Clip: I may be all rod but I wouldn't know.
Me: awwww do i sense resentment

Clip: Please as if u care about me
Me: Seriously your still angry about me turning you down . Lets move on from this. iIlive by the rule that anything I say 6 month before is inadmissible in an argument. In fact any comment is null and void after 7 days.
Clip: This was 45 mins ago !

Me: WTF?! Your a paper clip! Why are soo ANAL?!

Clip: Your impossible. I cant stand this anymore. The punctuation, the grammar, the words that just aren't Spanglish!
Me..... wait... what are you doing?! Are u self destructing? Don't think you can leave this argument my dying !

.. huh . guess i won .

Hours later

Ben: Hey girl !Why were you asleep?
Me: ukmmmm just testing my keyboard for droll resistance .. yup as I expected. It has none whatsoever.
Ben: [leans over and looks at screen]

wow you only have the cover page done!
 Paperclips: harmless assistance or online predator?

Thesis: Get a MAC 

Those lyrics said what?! #1

Monday, April 11, 2011

Spring cleaning and other poetic tragedies

Its that time of year again .. no its not get a 3 second strip race [Tragedy #1]where we will then proceed to fling tomatoes at each other .. is that even a thing people ?!
  La Tomatina
 Well then.  I'm sure if starving children in Africa bothered to check their twitter feed, this would bring them to their knees.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

XY chronicles: The curious case of the glass carrying night walker.

An accurate summation 

X =Friend
Y= Me
Ben = Ben

2 PM
X: [casually waving]Hey Y!
Y: [uninterrupted silence]
X: [challenge accepted] Wow your watching that computer screen harder then Jesus watched his disciples.